Ask anyone who knows something about addiction. Or read any article on the topic. Most will say addiction is a disease. When I first heard that, even long before addiction assaulted my family, I thought it was a kind way of labeling something people did to themselves. Abusing drugs or alcohol was a choice, wasn’t …
The mom’s face gives it away every time. Her son is using only a little, she tells me. He smokes weed sometimes. Well maybe more than just sometimes. Yes, he spends a lot of time in his room, and he doesn’t seem to care about school anymore. But no, he’s not an addict. For the …
At first, I didn’t get it. Maybe no one does at the beginning. When you’re new to addiction in a loved one or friend, you learn about the “Three Cs:” You didn’t cause it. You can’t control it and You can’t cure it. It took months, maybe years, to accept each of these. Like a …
“Mom, I lost my job. Dad wanted me to call and tell you.” Like so many other crises during the years of my son’s active addiction, this one arrived with terrible timing. Half-the country away, I was about to leave my hotel room to proctor a professional exam. A two-hour time difference meant it was …
Many people today know about “Twelve Step” programs that support men and women with addictions – of almost any kind. But for those who are new to addiction in a loved one or friend, they may not realize there are “steps” before the “Twelve. “ For me, the first step was denial. When a trusted …
What happens when a family keeps a secret about a tragedy buried for decades? That’s the premise of Dani Shapiro’s new novel Signal Fires. Reading it for a book club, I couldn’t help but overlay that question on my own family’s history. What if I had never disclosed – to anyone – that my son …
This winter I had the opportunity to speak at three treatment centers in South Florida with my son. Jacob was the moderator. One of his friends from AA spoke first, sharing his experience and hope. Then it was my turn as an Al Anon member. Because I was sitting next to Jacob, an AA member …
“Detach with love.” The first time I heard that phrase I was dumbstruck. A former English major, I had to parse the words to make sense of it. “Detach?” You mean separate myself from my son? How does a mother detach from her children? And how do you do it “with love?” What does that …
After addiction, if you’re lucky, there is recovery – both for you and for your loved one. And if you’re very lucky – and you’ve done the work – you’ve learned how to live one day at a time. Even harder, you may have learned how to be present in every moment. On a Friday …
Once again, I am in a South Florida fellowship hall, invited by my son to attend an AA meeting. Some 80 chairs line the long, narrow room in neat rows. By the time the meeting starts, it’s standing room only. Late-comers sit cross-legged on the floor. I sit in the back, wanting to be invisible, …